If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize