Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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