Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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