you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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