You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
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Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
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New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So. Much. Porn.
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