He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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