When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
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As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Bring me that man meat
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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