Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
