how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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