FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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