made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
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Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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