Moan for me like Helen Keller
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize