I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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