I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
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I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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