I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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