Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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