I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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