That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
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I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
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Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
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