I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
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The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
dude. I can hear the air.
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