Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
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I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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