Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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