how can u be prego again
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
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But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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