i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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