That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
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Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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