Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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