Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
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I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
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i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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