Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
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Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
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Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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