so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
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i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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