YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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