you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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