Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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