I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
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Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All I want is dick and wine.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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