he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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