I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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