I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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