guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
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I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
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I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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