Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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