I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
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