Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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