And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
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I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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