Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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