Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
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My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
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This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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