i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
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I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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