Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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