I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
being pregnant is like rehab
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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