you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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