I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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