Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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