You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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