i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize