if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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